Since the birth of social media, some 14 years ago, everyone is successful; beautiful and exceptionally talented. Online of course.
We are witnessing scary levels of narcissism that are usually packaged as self-motivation and, in some cases, just downright bragging. It appears that now everyone can be anyone, as long as they have access to a keyboard.
There are of course different kinds of narcissists. I am going to focus on the vulnerable kind and not the grandiose Wicknell Chivayo type. Speaking of Chivayo, seriously what grown man or woman for that matter brags about shoes? Hilarious!
So, a few years ago a dear friend of mine Chioma moved to Europe. By this I mean she came on a dingy from Libya to Cyprus then she was smuggled in a truck to Spain. Chioma is a drop dead gorgeous, beautiful woman with naturally white teeth and a body to die for. She tells me she has never exercised in her whole 35 years. Chioma literally lives her life, or rather her preferable version of it on social media. She lives in her bikini and often posts pictures of herself on a beautiful beach somewhere and sometimes in front of those billion-dollar yachts you often see only in magazines.
Chioma lives in Spain, not on the mainland but the islands. She hops from one island to the next, that’s her life. Some people may find it puzzling that underneath that beauty lies such monumental levels of insecurity and low self-esteem. If you were to judge Chioma based on her Facebook and Instagram pictures, you wouldn’t guess what she does for a living.
The problem with social media is that of perceptions versus reality. This is seen mostly on Instagram and Facebook. The perception is one of friends living seemingly perfect lifestyles, but reality is often very different. Chioma’s pictures on Instagram are always glamorous. She posts pictures in beautiful bikinis and designer handbags and accessories. She really portrays herself as living a glamorous, successful and envy-inducing lifestyle. Her friends on social media always tell her how they all want her life. If only they knew, that these pictures were like a cancer that was eating away at the core of her very existence, often leaving her in a very deep inextricable pit of depression that would soon explode.
I think my friend Chioma belongs to the vulnerable type of narcissist. Her narcissism like many others, is driven by the need to fit in. She really means no harm to anyone except she is what my good friend calls a social fraud. In my experience, most social fraudsters have very low self-esteem and when they lie about whom they are, it’s usually meant to convince themselves that they can fit in.
Chioma created an alternative reality in order to make herself feel worthy and accomplished. She has 120,000 Instagram followers whom she impresses everyday with her glamorous pictures. However, at the end of each day she goes back to her room in a seedy part of Mallorca. A room which she shares with four other girls on bunk beds. This is her reality. This is her very dire and depressing reality. She is a vulnerable narcissist driven by the need to impress others in order to belong to whatever class she aspires. Like my friend said, a social fraud.
One day Chioma called me in tears. She told me simply she had had enough of this world. It was hard to believe because to us she was the happiest girl with the perfect lifestyle. After she told me about her real living conditions, I understood. Life was really hard for my friend. I imagined how Chioma, on top of everything else that she was going though, how she must have been living in fear of being found out. Always trying to control the situation and worrying about being rejected and oh, the shame. I felt really sorry for her because it must have been very exhausting. No wonder the poor girl wanted to check out. The web of lies became too much to bear.
The reason why I think Chioma is a vulnerable type of narcissist is because she actually suffers from depression. She is not a bikini supermodel as she portrays herself on social media. Chioma sells wares on the beaches of the Balearic Islands. She walks all day in the harsh unforgiving sun trying to convince tourists to buy her counterfeit handbags and other accessories. Chioma told me it’s a hard life as sometimes she can walk all day and not sell anything.
Often, she is propositioned by male tourists for sex in exchange for money. She has vowed she will never prostitute her body for money as her body is the only thing she feels she has control over. Chioma made me realise that often when narcissists posts on social media it’s usually done to portray a certain image. I am now often suspicious of social media posts where people are always trying to portray their lives as always happy. Surely, no one is always that happy, no relationship is that perfect.
I tend to question it because when you over exaggerate your own happiness especially on social media chances are you are trying to convince yourself. If you are so happy, why are you on here? Why not tell your loved ones you love them not only on social media? Who are you trying to convince? Us or yourself? You see, sometimes we unwittingly reveal a little too much.
Chioma found trying to fit in and the web of lies she often created rather exhausting. A very good friend once told me, “there’s no greater peace than being comfortable with who you are, what you have and with your struggles. It is that acceptance and truthfulness with your circumstances that can create opportunities for you. That is real freedom.”
Although the truth may be inconvenient, by not fitting into your perfect life narrative, being comfortable with who you are is the real freedom. It might save your life, especially out here in the Diaspora. The thing about social media is that it makes us reveal ourselves little by little. Sometimes what comes out as narcissism could very well be a cry for help. Unfortunately, most people don’t realise when it’s happening because people often can’t see beyond the keyboard. But more often than not, the cracks will start showing. Sooner or later, we will see who you really are and usually it’s not pretty.
The truth shall set you free. Please do not be envious of the screen that we see on social media, as it’s just that, a screen.
I have another former friend who definitely lives her life for others. She was so far gone in her vulnerable narcissism that she went as far as lying to her friends that she was a global director in a Fortune 500 company. In the end, the web of lies she created destroyed a once beautiful friendship. I simply couldn’t trust her anymore. The full story I will write another day.
